Hello From the Road

Greetings and salutations one and all, AC here posting live from the road. Me and Jr. done went and got us one of those fancy laptop computers. We figured it'd be a good investment, what with all these new social media sites and such. Hopefully one day we'll get us a web page set up so you folks will be able to send us pictures of what ever critter happens to be ailing you and we can be better prepared for our job. That brings us back around to this here post and why we're on the road. I'm sittin here typing from sunny Florida in one of Tom Bodett's finest establishments. This place is pretty cozy and the light was really left on! I don't really think it was left on for us specifically, but it was on none the less. Anyhoo, today we are in , well hell, I don't rightly know where exactly on account of Jr. done broke the GPS and we didn't think of getting one of those fold out maps. Like I said, we're on are way home from Florida. We had us an orange groove that done come under attack from a swarm of bats, we also got us some towing business on the way down. I'm here to tell you, if you ever break down anywhere in the south and you can't get ahold of nobody on your cell phone, don't worry! There will be someone along in about thirty minutes or so with a big truck and a chain for towing, I promise you. Don't worry about helping them, they live for that sort of thing. It was a good thing about the couple of tows we got, cause the job didn't turn out so well as we didn't get paid. I'm gonna blame this one on Jr. I mean to say that after the fire was out, the bats were gone, so job done! That's a win in my book. You see the trick to getting rid of bats is to smoke them out. If they're in your roof, you smoke 'em good and plug up all the holes so they can't get back in. Problem here was that these was trees, smoke 'em out of one and they'd just fly to another one. So Jr. got the brilliant idea to build some small fires in and around the grove, you know, smoke the whole thing at once. I figure its always raining here in the "Sunshine State"and the ground might be a bit too wet for a fire. Jr. said we should pour some gas on the wood, another good idea, so we gathered up enough wood to build about forty small camp size fires. We laid them out and soaked them up good and let them sit for a bit. I'd say a couple of gallons of diesel for each pile and we waited about thirty minutes. I walked to the far end of the grove and sent Jr. up to start the front. Once we were both in position we counted to three and started to light them up. Well I'm guessing we probably shouldn't have used so much gas. You see, the gas vapors had built up in the grove so thick that when we lit the first fires it caused a chain reaction to go off. With a woof so loud that it sounded like it came out of a 1500 pound blue tick hound, the entire grove exploded into one giant ball of flame. It picked me up like a rag doll and threw me about twenty feet back, damn thing set my Dale hat on fire. I've had that had since I was ten. Jr. was a little worse off then me. Jr. ain't on little fella, so that explosion didn't send him no where. He did however lose both of his eyebrows and his left sideburn. I've been calling his right one his lucky sideburn ever since. Well within just a few seconds all of the orange trees were on fire. Front to back, side to side, and from top to bottom. We tried to call the fire department but we were out of cell phone range. So the only thing we could do was just sit there and watch. It truly was a beautiful sight, the orange and red against the night sky. That's when the projectiles started. Flaming, screeching fireballs came shooting out of the trees in every direction! If all the trees weren't already on fire it weren't long before the rest of them were. Hundreds of fruit bats, full ablaze started spreading the fire everywhere. Jr. got out the 12 gauge and was able to keep them contained to the grove. Like I said earlier, the fire was out and the bats were gone, unfortunately so were the orange trees. I tried to argue that the job was indeed done, but the owner still refused to pay us. All was not lost, as the local paper did a piece on us and that led us to another job. Just across the border up into Georgia, apparently there's a small county having themselves a bit of a vampire problem so were gonna hit there next before heading back home. Until next time folks, Happy Huntin!

HUNTING TIPS FOR TODAY!!

 

 

Vampires are a vicious nasty bunch of critters. Now I don't know if they're hellspawned, undead or what. I just know they are unnatural and need killin. Just one of these things can take out a whole town all by itself, so don't go takin one on unless you're sure you can take it! I'm gonna give you some pointers that might help you out.

 

 

1. Make sure its a real vampire! Here in the south people tend to get a little suspicious and gossipy about each other. So before you go out to stake yourself a biter, make damn sure he's not some third shift worker who just happens to like dressing in black.        

 

2. Make sure you've done your homework! Now most of the stuff you've seen on TV, in the movies and read in books is complete garbage! Holy water, crucifixes, and most of your religious stuff just don't work on them. Of course that leads me to believe that there isn't anything hell or demon related about them. Garlic don't work either, the only thing throwing garlic on them is going to do is piss them off and make them smell like Italian food. Pretty much only four things are going to work, Sunlight, Fire, Stake through the heart, and Cutting off the head! The stake, be heading and fire are pretty much a given, I mean, who wouldn't that kill? Now the sunlight is your best tool, you've got 12 hours to use it.

 

3. Make sure you don't inadvertently invite them in! For some strange reason the no invitation seems to be legit. I don't know what the supernatural cause behind it is or if maybe its just a polite thing to do. Regardless of how friendly someone might seem, if suspect vampires might be around, do not invite anyone into your house! It'll be your only safe place at night.

 

4. Make sure you've got our number! Seriously, if you think you've got a vampire, do not try to tackle the job yourself, I promise you it will not end well! You're liable just end up accidentally killing your neighbor. Call a professional and let them handle it. It's what we do!

 

 

 

                  

Killin and Chillin

Well hello again folks, AC here. Well business has been good for us lately. Mostly just your normal critters, they make up the bulk of our business. It's what puts food on the table both figuratively and literally. We do tend to get a lot of calls for what would be consider abnormal catches, but they just mostly turn out to be your run of the mill, brown paper bag type critters like rats, opossums and raccoons. They get bumpin and rollin round in the rafters at night and people get spooked out of their melons. Now sometimes it can be a might difficult to tell the difference between the critters stated above and the elusive Coopachabras. They make the same sounds, kill other critters in the same fashion and even look like 'em a bit in the dark. Now with the internet and cable TV everywhere, everybody thinks they got themselves some sort of Boogey Man living in their crawl space. Me and Jr. get calls everyday for the craziest of things, I shot a bigfoot once, so I know crazy, and we got to weed out the kooks constantly. We got a call yesterday from a guy up north, said his name was Scotty. Said he had a monster living under his bed, so I had to ask him a few questions, you know to get a feel for him. I asked is it there now? He said it wasn't, it apparently lived under his bed when he was a little. Says it tracked him down and broke into his house last month. I asked what'd do? Said it watched him for a bit and them it used his computer. Said it was sorry for treating him bad when he was a kid and left him a picture. I says, it told you that? he said no, it typed it up on the computer. I says but you got a picture of it right? He says he did, it was a picture he'd drew of it when he was four. So I asked, what we have is an email and a crayon drawing that about right? He said yep, so I took is number and told him we'd have to do some research and I'd get back to soon enough. Ever since we put that ad on Craigslist we get a dozen or so fruit loops like that a week.

HUNTIN TIPS FOR THE DAY!!

 

 

The most common thing you're likely to run across is your common Mexican Devil Dog or the Coopachabras as they are most commonly referred. Now I'm here to tell you, don't take these things lightly. They are as fast as they are ugly. They are just as nasty in a wide open space as they are cornered and close up. Your best bet is using a baited trap. They call them things goat suckers, but I find the best thing to use is marshmallows. The little buggers love 'em. Put a few in one of those spring loaded traps from the Home Depot and they'll practically kill each other just fighting to get at 'em. If you find yourself up close with one make sure you have something sharp. Something like a shovel or a hatchet is good, but I'm here to tell you that a good ol' fashion frog gigging stick works just as good.Really, if you're gonna go poking around in a dark attic or under your house fashion yourself a gigging stick. Just find a good solid, long stick and sharpen one end. Try to fix a strap to the other end to put around your wrist so you ain't gonna loose your grip on it.  My good buddy Beaman says a quick ridge hand to the side of the neck will do it in nicely, on account they got small necks. Really, I can't even describe how jacked up these things are, they look like a giant burnt hairless squirrel. I got a picture round here somewhere I 'll put it on here. Anyway, until next time. Happy Huntin!!

 

 



 

 



 

COOPERCHABRA!!



Welcome Y'all!!

Welcome y'all one and all to me and my brothers blog. We are the Fenton Brothers, my name is Aberdeen Cooper Fenton but folks mostly call me AC. Well 'cept my momma, when's she's got her dander up. My business partner is my baby brother Wardell Neely Fenton Jr, named after our daddy, god rest his soul. We are the proud owners of The Fenton Brothers All Natural, Transcendental and Otherwise Mythical Extermination and Towing (on account that Jr. already had the truck). We hail from the great state of South Carolina. We've been in the trappin and exterminatin business pretty much since we could crawl. Our daddy was a trapper and a hunter and as soon as we could stand on our own two feet, we started coming along with him on calls. My first actual trappin was when I was five years old and Jr. was three.  We got a call from a lady in Waterloo who had a opossum under her trailer and needed it out cause it was killin her chickens and making an awful racket at night. Well the space under the trailer was way to small for daddy, so he sent me and Jr. under there to get it. Well we crawled up underneath there, dragging our traps through the mud. We found a few dead chickens and a couple of cats. After digging around for the nest and we found the opossum, he pretty much went the way of those cats and chickens. Well we dragged all the mess out to show daddy all pleased with our hard work. Daddy said we needed to get back under there and get what ever it was what did them critter in. So me and Jr. crawled back up under there and we scooched back up towards the nest. We hadn't been in there for more than a minute when we heard this hissing and chirpy noises, then Jr. let out to wail so loud it like to turn my hair on end! I turned and this small black thing done jumped up on Jr.'s back and was trying to bite the back of his head. Jr. was just screaming for me to get it off him. Jr. was finally able to roll it off him and I wacked it in the head with my hatchet. It was still twitchen a might, that's when we noticed the other two. I guess Jr. wanted some payback, cause he jump on the closest one and started biting on it! I was able to corner the last one and gig it with a stick. All three of them were about the size of a baby pig, they sure were ugly. They looked like they might have got around on all fours 'cept that their front two feet looked more like claws and they had these short bristly hairs on 'em. Well we dragged them out to show to daddy and he seemed satisfied with it. Said they was them Coopachabras, you know them Mexican devil dog things you see on the History Channel shows about aliens and stuff. We got paid pretty good for it and we got to take them and the opossum home with us. I'm here to tell you, them Coopachabras are good eatin! Skin 'em and throw 'em in the smoke house for a while, put some hot sauce on it. Make you smack your momma its so good. Anyway, that's how we got into the family business. Daddy taught us everything he knew about trappin the unknown and when he passed on, well Me and Jr. just took over. We travel all over the United States trapping, killing and towing. We will go in and remove any problem you've got, anything from ants to swamp apes. If we can't catch it, it don't exist! From time to time me and Jr. are gonna post our exploits (that means our jobs, Jr. looked it up on the Google.) here online for you to enjoy and to help you out if you so wish to tackle a problem you might be havin yourself.

So, here's your huntin tip for today. If you should find yourself with a fairy infestation, yes I'm talking about tiny bugged winged people, the best thing to use is one of them electric hand held bug zappers. They look like a tiny tennis racket and it'll run you about $10 at your local big box store. I know what you're thinkin, and no they ain't all cute and cuddley like Disney would have to believe. They're tiny, they swarm and they bite. If they get in your garden, get them out as quick as you can, cause more will keep coming and before long you're over ran. If you can get your hands on a zapper, fly tape works to!