Make ups and Miracles

 

Howdy one and all, I know it’s been forever and a day since I got up on here and gave yall the 411 on are comings and goings. With Lil Jr being just about big enough to come along with us on jobs, Jr will be starting back with me soon so maybe we’ll have more stories to tell, but until then, I got to let yall know what happened this past weekend, it was a bonified Christmas Miracle!

It was late Saturday night at the Fenton compound, and me and Jr had just finished putting together all of Lil’ Jr’s presents. You see, ever since Lil’ Jr was born, we go all out at Christmas for him, on account that Santa never once showed up for him. Well, Me and Jr are mainly to blame for that. As you might recall, we are what you might call “Personia Nan Grata” when it comes to those folks what inhabitate the North Pole. Jr and I are on the big man’s naughty list for all time because of one little mis step on our part way back when we was just kids. Man that was a good time, well Santa don't come around here because of that and it ain't fair to let Lil' Jr suffer cause of what we done. Regardless what that giant elf thinks of us ain't no reason to leave the kid out, he's a good kid and he deserves some Christmas magic and we make sure he believes.

Anyway, like I was saying, we had just finished getting everything ready when we got a pounding on our front door. Now don’t know body come calling on anyone this late unless its really important, especially on Christmas Eve. Well I opened the door to find Beaman standing on my porch looking troubled, so I asked him what was going on. He told me there had been some trouble over at his place that even we wouldn't believe and if Jr and me could come over and take a look. We told Sadie to hold down the fort and we’d be back as soon as we can.

We got to Beaman’s place and went on in. That’s when we learned of the troubles he was truly having. Sitting on Beaman’s couch petting his dog was St. Nick himself. He took one look at us and then at Beaman and said absolutely not! Jr and me had no clue what was going on, so Beaman filled us in.

So as Beaman tells it, he was out in his shop working on some things when he heard something clatteren on the roof of his trailer. He went out to take a look and saw a deer on his roof. He said that while that might be a bit peculiar place to find a deer, it was to good of an opportunity to not to take, I mean seriously, how often does venison just park itself right in front of you. So he went and fetched his shot gun from the shop and took aim. What he failed to notice when he fired the gun was the seven other deer attached to a sleigh and a large man in the process of climbing out it. Beaman is a decent enough fellow, I can see why he'd be on the nice list. So when he fired, the deer all tried to fly off in different directions all at the same time. The sleigh flipped on it’s side and Santa spilled out off the roof and onto the ground. As for the sleigh and the reindeer, well, they ended up all catawampus and managed to scatter off into the woods.

Well that kind of thing can happen in our neck of the woods, So we told Santa to sit tight, we’d wrangle up his deer for him and get him back to business in no time and we got to work collecting up what we were going to need to fetch the critters and get them back to the house. We grabbed up some rope, a couple of flashlights, and Beaman grabbed a bottle of his famous deer lure. It was basically one big bottle of deer good time if you catch my meaning. One wiff of this stuff will get any deer going, we figured if it works on White Tail, why not reindeer.

The path they made weren’t that hard to follow, what with all the broken tree limbs and the huge track where the sleigh had been pulled on its side across the pond and into the woods. We followed it for a good ways until we seen them down by the lake, we kept our distance so’s not to spook them futher. They looked to still be tethered in their harnesses and the sleigh was back up right, even though it was half in the water.

Jr took deer lure from Beaman and uncorked it and I saw Jr side glance me when he did. He didn’t think I noticed, but I was totally expecting what came next. You see, Jr has been itching for some pay back ever since the fairy infestation down in Georgia. So when he pulled his arm back and started turning towards me, I was already 2 steps ahead of him! I grabbed Beaman by the back of his shirt and whirled him into Jr just as Jr was throwing the lure at me. It caught Beaman square in the face and splashed down the front of Jr.

Before either of them could say a word, the reindeer all snapped their heads in our direction. They all let out a noise I ain’t never heard come out of no deer before, something like a cross between a roar and a bleet, man was it loud. Then they all started scraping and splashing at the ground and then they were off! Jr and Beaman both let out a scream that was so high pitched and squeaky and might have burst some windows if there’d been any around. Anyway, them two started sprinting back up the trail and I ready myself for what I needed to do next. The sleigh hadn’t really picked up much speed as they went by me cause they had to pull it out of the water and muck, so I was easily able to jump in and grab the reins, not that I’ve ever driven anything what was being pulling by animals before, much less a magical flying sleigh!

As those two were making there way back faster than I thought was possible for them, Beaman hooked his foot around Jr’s ankle and put him face first into the mud and ran right past him. I guess that was enough to muffle the lure’s effect that was on Jr or maybe he didn’t get as much on him as I though, cause the first deer just ran by Jr with out even of “How you doin?” as he was standing up. So as the sleigh was passing, I yoked Jr into the sleigh with me.

When we both got up right, I tried to get the deer to stop to which Jr told me I was doing it wrong and took the reins from me. I guess when it comes to flying reindeer, he's got more experience than me. I looked out ahead and Beaman was no where to be seen. Jr pulled back as hard as he could and the sleigh made a steep incline up and over the trees, it was my turn to start screaming like a tea kettle set to boiling as I started lookin around for something to hold on to, who would have guessed there weren't no seat belts.

After of couple of barrel rolls and me possibly crapping my pants, Jr had the hang of it. The deer seemed to have calmed down, so we leveled out and headed back down to the trail to try and find Beaman. The first thing we spotted was his coat laying on the ground, then his shirt, then shoes and pants as we flew back towards the house. We found Beaman standing waist deep in his pond scrubbing his face and hollering about not having any junk anymore. Did I mention that we were in the middle of one of the worst cold snap I’d ever seen, I think it was around 8 degrees outside.

We plopped down in Beaman's backyard. I left Jr to tend to the animals and the sleigh while I got Beaman inside and to fetch Kringle. Santa was super thankful, but said he’d have to call it a night. He had busted himself up pretty good falling off Beaman’s roof. I started thinking about all those sad faced youngins who wouldn't have no Christmas and that's when the idea hit me! Santa wasn’t to keen on it at first, but once I’d explained that all the children would be disappointed, he reluctantly agreed. So we put Beaman to bed and went out back. Jr had gotten everything cleaned up real nice, hardly looked like anything had happened. Jr helped Santa up into the sleigh and handed him the reins. Santa handed them back and said this thing doesn’t fly itself. Jr looked at him, then at me, then at the reins and I said well get in and do what he says, I’ll let Sadie and Lil’ Jr know what’s going on. Well, Jr lit up like the Christmas star and jumped in. I stepped back as Jr cracked the reins and they took off. I’ll tell you this, Santa didn’t exclaim anything as they drove out of sight, he was to busy screaming through a loopty loop. I probably should have mentioned those to Santa.

I went home and gave Sadie the short and quick version of the night’s events. Of course, she was worried, it's not every night that your husband takes off with a mythological delivery man, so we waited up. It was almost dawn when we heard them on the roof. So I went and got Lil Jr up so he could watch. Down came some soot and snuffed out our fire and then Jr came bounding out of the fireplace followed by Santa. They got to work putting even more presents under the tree. When they were done Santa gave Jr a hug and told him something that I couldn’t make out, they he was back up the chimney quick as a flash, just like the story says. Well since we were all up, we decided to tear into the presents. There was on particular one for both Jr and me. It was a little framed document, it stated that we had earned our way back on to the Nice List, as a probationary trial at least. We all ran outside to watch him fly off. I kid you not, Santa Claus shouted out a WHOO! as they took off and did a barrel roll into the horizon, and we heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Merry Christmas Yall! 

 

Since Jr and me are now off the Naught List, I'm gonna re-publish this for those of you who might need a little help yourselves.

Hunting Tips For The Day

Have you ever worried about getting on Santa's Naughty List? Ever wondered how he knows when you've been bad? When you're sleeping and awake? That one I find a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie. Anyway, how he manages keeping up with all this is that he had minions. Now I'm not talking about the toy builders, those guys hardly ever leave the toy shop. I'm talking about his little messengers. They have many different names depending on where you're from. Elves, Yule Lads, Belsnickles, they're all the same and they're all out watching you. The key to staying off the list is to keep these little guys away from you. First thing you need to do is ward off your house. The easiest way to do this is to hang mistletoe around your home. Mistletoe is to them like the penny in the bag of water is to house flies. Why do you think stealing a kiss under the mistletoe is so popular? The minions can't go near it so its the best place to get your naughty on! Use it in abundance, hang it everywhere, especially the windows so they cant see in. Remember, mistletoe is your number one and best defense! It grows year round and almost everywhere. Now by the off chance that you cant get your hands on some mistletoe, some of the modern humane rodent traps work well too, provided you use the right bait. I have yet to find one of those little guys that didn't like chocolate and peppermint. The downside to this is that if you catch one, you've got to hold onto it until Christmas morning. When you let it go, it's gonna report back and BOOM! you're on the Naughty List. The last thing I suggest is that you get yourself a cat. Cats are by nature naughty creatures so they are naturally drawn to nice creatures. This ability makes them good at hunting down the minions. This and the fact that they are tiny, most cats will try and eat them. If they see you have a cat or two, they will most likely stay out. If they are brave enough to risk the cat and get themselves ate, oh well, its not your fault and you can't be held accountable for it. Now remember you start off with a clean slate on Christmas Day, if you didn't make it this year, you start fresh for the next year. This is also the time you want to let any of the little guys go that you might have caught during the year. Christmas morning, you've already got your presents, you let them go and its to late to report back and your slate get wiped clean and start back over on the 26th. you can't lose! Now if some how you've be super bad and the big man finds out, he'll deploy the mother of big bads. If you've done wrong and you just don't care, well you best pray for a Christmas miracle. Santa will sick the Krampus on you. Never heard of Krampus have you? Well that's because he's reserved for the worst of the worst. This guy is a first class monster of the child eating variety. If you haven't gotten yourself together by December 5th, this guy is gonna come for you. December 5th is Krampus Night and if he comes for you , you just got to make it to sunrise of December 6th, the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That's when he gets called back. Now first off, he looks like a big hairy shaggy devil with two large horns coming out of his forehead. He's got one regular foot and one hooved foot, that's his weakness. Krampus is one tough customer, but if you can catch him, he'll leave you be. Being permanently of the Naughty List, we've had to tussle with him a time or two. First off, everything you think you can do to him, you cant, he's damn near indestructible. The only way to stop him is to catch him. Spring loaded steel bear traps are the best, if you can get your hands on them. Now to catch him, you've got to catch the hooved foot. If you can't manage this, there is one other way, you've got to plead for your life. If you grovel and plead good enough, Krampus won't eat you, but you've got to be truly sorry or it won't work. If he buys it and doesn't eat you this doesn't mean you're gonna escape punishment. No he's not going to eat you, he's gonna dump you in a sack and beat the ever living hell out you with a bundle of switches. While this probably sucks, its decidedly better than being eaten alive. Of course you could call in some professionals like ourselves to handle it. Either way Krampus is bad news, so try to stay out of his sights! So there you have folks, Good luck, Merry Christmas, and Happy Hunting!! 

Time off and toddlers

Howdy folks, AC here, I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard anything from us. Our long absence is due to Jr finding himself enspoused! That’s right, you read that correctly, he done and went and got himself hitched. She is a lovely young lady that we met on a job.

We got hired out to do an extermination down in Savannah in one of them hi-brow, snooty shopping centers. You know the type, they don’t have stores, they have “Boutiques”. Anyway, the owner of the property called us cause the stores were all complaining of missing and broken products. The furniture store owner says that one day they came in and found all their chairs glued up on the ceiling, I guess the couches and tables must have been to heavy to stick.  None of the security cameras picked up any thieves or the like and nothing out of the ordinary. So they got to thinking they might have gotten themselves a rodent problem, but none of the locals could find any evidence of any critters. Well somehow they got our number and gave us a call, and it was a good thing too!

 As soon as we pulled up to the first store we knew exactly what was causing all the calamity. Right there under the front window was a tiny decorative door, probably about six inches tall. Upon further inspection we found similar doors of various colors stuck on the front of every one of those buildings.

 I’ve seen stories on the interwebs about local artists in big cities up north making these tiny doll sized doors and sticking them up all over because they think its cute. The people love them, they nicknamed them “fairy doors”, cause they’re the perfect size for the wee folk to enter. What a horrible idea, fairies are the last thing you want on your property.

Now its no secret that I hate fairies and I think they would be better off with the rats. I find easier to just grab yourself one of those electric fly swatters from the local Walmart and just wack the crap out of them. Sometimes a decent rat trap set with a piece of bread dipped in honey is good too.

Unfortunately that wasn’t going to work here. You see, fairies get in all the time, usually only one or two, here and there. Most of the time their pranks are usually dismissed as everyday nuisances.  A pair of earrings missing, lights being on that you thought you had turned off, the cat catching fire, you know nothing unusual. What we have here is full scale invasion, and why? Cause some jackass got the idea in their head that putting up doors for them was a great idea! You see, once those things were in place, it became an official invitation to them. When you throw down the welcome mat for these things, you’ve made them official guests in your building and they expect you to treat them in that fashion. If they’re there uninvited, they’re easy to get out, just like I said earlier. As invited guests, they don’t have to leave until they want to, which could be days or never. Also, these things are easily angered and offended, by having us coming in to get rid of them is a serious offense.

Thankfully for the store owners, they wont have to suffer any further wrath cause technically they don’t own the building, so only he’s the only one who will have to deal with them. You see, after we told him what the problem was, he just laughed at us and refused to even pay our travel expense, told us he doesn’t believe in fairies. Unfortunately for him that only works in Peter Pan.

After talking to the different store owners they decided to pool together and pay our fee, well everybody except the Irish guy who owned the shoe repair store on the end. Apparently he already knew what was going on and his business has tripled ever since his new guests have started doing his work for him. Don’t ask me why, but those little bastards really love fixing shoes. Well now that we was sure what the problem was, we had to set about fixin it.

Now like I said before, a sure fire way of getting rid of these pixied vermin is to straight up off them. That wasn’t gonna be good enough in this case, with this, we was gonna have to make them want to take leave of their own volition. So now that me an Jr had a bead on what we was dealing with it was time to get down to the brass tacks, time to slap these little vermin with an eviction notice!

What we had to do here is make the stores unhospitable for them, the first order of business was to take care of them there doors. Now you’d think that it would be as simple as grabbing a pry bar out of the truck and snatching ‘em of the wall, but you’d be wrong. Even if the doors were pulled down, the openings are still there. What we needed to do is seal them things up! For that, you’re gonna need some iron.

You see, fairies hate iron, hate it with an unholy passion. Iron is your best protection against them cause it burns them when they touch it. I’m not talking about accidentally touching the stove burn, its almost like they start to cook from the inside out. If they touch it long enough, they’ll go off like a potato in the microwave! Besides iron, there’s other things you can use to get rid of them. Yall know my personal favorite, the electric fly swatter! Also, if you know anyone who does landscaping or owns a flower shop you’d be in luck. There’s all sorts of flowers and plants that they hate too and you can use them to keep them out, the one that seems to work the best is St. john’s Wort. I like grabbing a mess of bottles from Sam’s Club and crushing the pills up into a fine powder and sprinkling it everywhere, its like Sevendust for the fae!

So I sent Jr down to the local hardware store to find the smallest nails he could, pop a couple of them into each tiny door and done! They is sealed! While he was doing that I set about buying up the St. John’s Wort. Let me tell you, while its not illegal to buy high quantities of that stuff, when you walk up to the register with forty pounds of it you’re gonna get some looks. I also bought one of those cheap coffee grinders cause I sure as hell wasn’t gonna crush all that up by hand.

 I got back to the plaza to see that Jr had about half of the doors taken care of, but Jr wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I found him in the flower shop in the middle of the plaza. He was sitting there sipping tea with a lovely young lady named Sadie May Hawkins. Apparently he’d been trying to nail one of the doors shut when she came walking by and he hammered his thumb instead. I could tell by the way he was mooning at her that Id most likely be finishing this job by myself. If you hadn’t guessed it, this would be the soon to be Mrs Sadie May Fenton. They say love is blind, so I’m guessing that Sadie might need some of that laser eye surgery. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother, but he isn’t exactly what you’d call a looker, what with him only being able to grow the one eyebrow and all.

Anyway, he was no good to me after that, so I just set him to grinding up the tablets. I also set Miss Sadie to seeing if she could order some Boxwood shrubs to plant around stores, they hate that stuff almost as bad as the Wort. I figured we could “hedge” our bets, see what I did there with the play on words, and Jr thought me going back to night school to finish my GED was a waste of time! Well it took a couple of days to get the boxwood all planted and to get the wort all ground up. Sunday morning when all the shops were closed Jr and I set to spraying all the shops with the powder and then locking them up tight. You see, St. John’s Wort won’t kill them,  but it will make them pretty miserable, like sitting in a room with a dog that just ate a bowl of chili.

 We figured we’d lock them in all night and when the shops opened in the morning theyd come flying out as soon as the shops opened for business. We arranged it so everyone would open at the same time at 6am Monday morning. So there we were, 6am, keys in locks, Jr and I standing in the parking lot waiting. There were eight shops in the plaza, not counting the cobbler, I counted to three and they popped the locks and stood aside.

At first nothing happened, but after a few moments the buzzing started. Softly at first, but it just kept getting louder and louder, like the stores were packed with swarms of locusts. The windows started to shake and you could almost feel the asphalt vibrate the buzzing was so loud. Just when you thought the windows were gonna shatter, the doors exploded open with screaming rainbows! What looked to be about a couple thousand of pixies came roaring out the front off the shops swarming the parking lot with a myriad of twinkling lights, the breeze being churned up from all those tiny wings was enough to scatter leaves and trash around the ground. For a split second they seemed to almost stop in mid air, almost frozen, without warning, they charged Jr!  I myself was caught totally by surprise by the sheer number of those things that were hiding inside those stores and I was almost felt bad about what I had done to Jr.

You see, while we were at the flower shop and no one was looking, I stuffed a whole bunch of Foxglove in a bag and stashed it in the truck. While Jr slept, I boiled it all down and sprayed Jr’s clothes with it. Now Foxglove is what you’d call an aphrodisiac to fairies, its kinda like when hunters use doe pee to attrack the bucks, like catnip to cats, like spanish fly to co-eds! So while they was circling the parking lot, they caught a wiff of Jr standing there smelling like a fairy whore house.

 Jr let out a milk curdling scream as he was lifted a couple a feet into the air and slammed to the ground. Between the screams, crys and buzzing you could barely hear the sound of cloth ripping. Almost as fast as it started, it was over. The pixies lazily kited off to the morning sun and Jr just lay there on the asphalt in nothing but his underwear and boots, curled up in a ball, sobbing. He had little brusies and cuts all over him along with a thin coating of sticking looking gel. Seeing as he was just hammered by a heard of horny fairies, I’ll give you three guesses on what he was covered with. Again, I almost felt sorry for doing it, almost.

Sadie rushed to his side and she’s been there ever since. The plaza hasn’t seen a fairy since and Jr and Sadie tied the knot soon after, they’ve been married for nearly 2 years now. It wasn’t long after the wedding that they welcomed their first child into the world, a big ‘ol chub of a baby boy, Wardell Neely Fenton Jr Jr, we call him Little Jr for short. Anyway Jr promised no traveling until Little Jr was 2 so that’s why there havent been any updates as of late. Jr stayed home and just worked on the towing end of business and I hired out to a good friend of ours until Jr could return. Beaman ain’t much of a trapper, but he can crawl his big ass under a house with a giggin stick quicker than most. Hopefully we’ll have a line on some new jobs soon, now that Jr is back in the fold and Little Jr is almost old enough to stick his first chupercabra!



HUNTING TIP FOR THE DAY

So what with Jr now gotten himself hitched and done doffed of a youngin, I figure we could educate you folks on Changelins.

What’s a Chanelin you ask? Well that’s when the fairies snatch your baby ad replace it with one of their own, but it looks exactly like yours so you cant tell the difference. Now why do they do this? I have no idea, but there are some theories out there. Some say they think its some sort of social status thing, you know to be raised by humans, maybe its their version of the dog in the purse thing. Some think that its how the bigger ones make new ones, takes yours and turns it into one of them. Personally, I think they do it cause their assholes, of course I think that about pretty much everything that comes from that side of the tracks.

 Anyway, how do you tell if your baby has been switched? A big tell is if you got yourself a nice calm baby and all of a sudden its all fussin and crying all the time, I mean non stop! Day in and day out, the only time that thing shuts up is when its sleeping and that’s usually not for very long.  Changlins  like to make a fuss and drive you completely crazy, again, they are assholes! If your baby catches ill and no amount of doctoring has fix ‘em up, chances are, they aint sick, they`re a Changlin!

 Now if you think you might be stuck with one, the only way you`re gonna get rid of it and get your kid back is to trick it into reveling itself. Now these things are super tricky and they want to stay! So your usual stuff might not work. Take iron for example, sure it burns them when you touch them with it, but sometimes they’ll just burn and scream and now you`re stuck with an infant that`s all burnt crispy, screamin in pain, may or may not be dead and you`re off to the hoosegow for child abuse!

 So you’ve got to be smart about it, again, iron is a good tool if you use it right. Go get you some iron bars and replace the supports of the crib with them and put the mattress back on it. Put that sucker in the crib and leave it there! If its your baby then no big deal, it’ll just sleep like normal. If it’s a Changlin, then it`ll be close enough to the iron to feel it through the mattress, it won`t get burned and you don’t like you beat your kid! Starving the thing is another good way, they`re greedy little monsters who`ll eat all day if you let them, so not letting them eat gets them good and mad, holding them under the water until they talk works too! Sure these seem like some pretty violent things to do to a baby, so you better be damn sure that you’ve got a Changlin and not just a crappy, spoiled kid, of course if that`s the case, you might be better off with the Changlin…

Your best line of defense is preperation, fairy proof your home before you even pop that bun out of the oven! Now ive mentioned before that there`s different types of plants you can use around the house to ward those things off. Plant them fresh around the outside of the house, dry some out and hang them in the nursery room. Again, IRON!! Change out the crib bars just like I said, sprinkle iron filings along the window sills. My personal favorite? Wind chimes! Not many people know this, but the sound of iron bells ringin are just as painful to fairies as being touched with it. They hear can those things for miles around and they`ll steer clear. Did you think were just for decoration, or that people put them up because they like their music? Throwing a cat across a piano sounds about as good. NO! they were originally used to keep bad things away! For thousands of years people would place them around their homes, all over the world. You can find them in almost any culture. Unfortunately people got stupid and forgot why we used to do things. Now that we got all these specialty stores popping up all over, Import this, Potter that or what have you, they`re  popular again, I guess that’s good.

Anyway if you set the place up before you have the kid, it shouldn’t be a problem. If you think you might have one and aint sure what to do, by all means, give us a call and we`ll come on by and give your baby the work over for you and hopefully get your real one back in the process!!

Anyway, until next time folks!
Happy Hunting!

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Howdy y'all, AC here. With it being the holidays and all and us just finishing up our community service in Georgia. We really haven't done much of anything lately, so I figured I regale you fine folks with the tale of how Jr. and myself ended up on Santa's Naughty List for all time. It was Christmas morning many years ago, I was probably about nine with Jr. a couple of years behind me. We had both gotten new rifles and were itching to try them out, but we didn't want to truck all the way out to the deer stand. We decided the next best place would be on the roof. Now here in South Carolina we usually don't get any kind of snow until well into January, but it had it had been super cold out and we got a light dusting with some freezing rain during the night. Jr. went up first, trying to be careful as he went. While I was handing him up his gun he abruptly dropped it on my head. He started making an awful ruckus, jumping up and down, screaming for me to hurry up and get up there. I started to pick up his rifle when he yelled for me to leave it, that I wasn't going to believe what was up there. Well I shook off the fog of getting wacked in the noggin and scurried on up. Jr. was up there just pointing down at the roof, point at what was left in the snow. Jr. screamed at me, "You know what those are don't cha!". Well I sure know what they looked like, they looked like deer tracks all over our roof. With little effort we found some sleigh tracks as well. At first I didn't believe it, but since our daddy made his living out of trapping the strange and unbelievable, why not this too? That's when Jr. had the best idea that any youngin has ever had on Christmas morning. He decided that next year, we were going to catch us our very own flying reindeer! The though of having your own flying reindeer, that was just to good to pass up. We spent almost the whole of the next year ironing out our plans and what we'd do if we actually caught one. We figured we could breed it with a regular deer, some of the offspring were bound to be able to fly right? Then we'd have our very own deer team! Anyway we had to keep everything on the hush hush. If word got back to Santa what we were up to, he'd never show up, no Santa, no reindeer. All that year we had been extra good and let me tell you how hard that was for me. We did good in school, got our grades up. We helped momma out around the house. We took on extra chores and helped our neighbors. I thought we might be laying it on a bit thick, but Jr. insisted , said we couldn't take any chances. We had to entry proof our bedroom so we can speak freely in there. Santa has all sorts of spies you know. Now days kids have that creepy guy on the shelf and its pretty close to what "Santa's little helpers" are like. Every night we went over the plan in detail. When Christmas Eve finally came round, we was ready. We helped momma clean up supper and we got ourselves to bed, of course we didn't go to sleep, we waited. As soon as we heard the sound of sleeping coming my momma and daddy's room, we was up and putting our plan in motion. First we went down stairs to where we had laid out the milk and cookies for Santa. I took a bottle of pills from my pocket, I had nicked them from old man Baily's house. I took them a couple of weeks before when we was helping him with some house work. They were for helping him sleep. I dropped a small handful into the milk. If we knocked Santa out, it would make our job that much easier. Next up was the roof, it was cold and clear outside. We climbed up on the roof and sprayed doe scent all around. It's basically just doe pee, but it was sure to get those reindeers attention. We also spread some deer feed around the roof too. I had crushed up the rest of the old man Baily's pills and put it in the feed. Now we just had to wait. Santa would drink the milk and fall asleep and then the deer would eat the feed and fall asleep, and then we'd just go and cut one loose and drag it to the barn, perfect, well almost. Jr. and I were back in our beds and it was well after midnight when we heard the it. First it was a slight sound of jingle bells, then we heard them trot across the roof. We knew it wouldn't be long, so we snuck out of the room to where we could see down stairs to the living room. There he was, he was just finishing off the last cookie then he downed the milk. He went over to the tree and started rummaging through his sack. He started to sway a bit and all of a sudden the thudding started. One right after another, solid, muffled whumps coming from the ceiling, it stopped at eight. Santa looked up at the sound, then took a header into the tree, he went down hard. The light clicked on in the hallway and there was daddy with his 12 gauge, demanding to know what in the hell was going on. We just pointed down the stairs. We went down with momma and daddy, he didn't believe for a second we had bagged Santa Claus. We were in the middle of telling him about the deer on the roof when another thud shook the side of the house. We ran to the window in just enough time to see eight of the biggest deer I have ever seen, strapped to a tiny sleigh, come crashing down in our front yard in a jolly mess. I guess a couple of the deer must have slid off the roof after they passed out, must have dragged the rest of them down too. We went outside and sure enough, right there in the front yard was a big pile of deer, toys and sleigh. Daddy started cursing up a storm, demanding to know what in the hell was going on. So I decided to fill him in on just exactly we had done. Jr. took this as his opportunity to unharness one and start dragging it off. I finished filling in the details for daddy and he gave me a looked of mixed emotions. On one hand his boys just did their very own first trapping, on the other hand we had trapped one of the biggest of the bigs and there are some of those things you just don't go after. Apparently Santa was at the top of that list. Me and Daddy set to assessing the damage. Thankfully all the deer were alive and nothing appeared to be wrong with them except they was sleeping hard. The sleigh had a broken runner, but it was easily fixed. You see, daddy dabbled in wood working on the side and he had it up and running in about an hour. In the meantime momma and me sat the big man up on the couch. Momma made her special red eye coffee, the stuff she would make for daddy when he had an all night trap. That stuff was guaranteed to keep you awake for days! We managed to get a cup of it into Santa and he started to come around. The deer had woken up as well, I guess we hadn't used enough of the medicine in the feed mix. Daddy made me go and finish harnessing up the reindeer and picking up the presents that had spilled out during the fall. He, momma and Santa stayed in the house and talked while Santa finished the pot of coffee. They came out on the front porch and I knew we were about to get it. Santa called me to him and asked where my brother was. Well about that time a loud bleeting noise came from the barn, followed by screaming and banging. Just when we thought the barn was going to fall in the doors burst open! Out flew a reindeer, it was bucking and rolling all over the place. Then we saw the reason why clinging to its back with a look of pure joy on his face. After about a minute, the deer looped and barrel rolled into a tree, then flew straight up. Fighter pilots could have taken tips from that thing, man could he fly! Anyway, as soon as he skirted the tree, the branches smacked Jr. right off his back. Jr. fell from about fifteen feet up, thankfully all those branches broke his fall on the way down. Santa walked over to the rest of the deer and whistled. The one that had just dumped Jr. landed and fell in line with the rest of them. Santa quickly hooked him up and assesst the rest.  Santa climbed into his sleigh, gave an angry glance down and Jr. and took off. It sure was a sight to see, watching them fly away. Well long story short, we got the belt, but not to bad. We was grounded to the following Christmas. According to daddy, Santa said not once in his entire life had anyone tried anything like that and with that we were going to be placed on the Naughty List for life. Santa also said he would be keeping an eye on us as well. So here we are, full grown and we're still on the list. I pretty sure we're the only adults on the list.

Hunting Tips For The Day

Have you ever worried about getting on Santa's Naughty List? Ever wondered how he knows when you've been bad? When you're sleeping and awake? That one I find a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie. Anyway, how he manages keeping up with all this is that he had minions. Now I'm not talking about the toy builders, those guys hardly ever leave the toy shop. I'm talking about his little messengers. They have many different names depending on where you're from. Elves, Yule Lads, Belsnickles, they're all the same and they're all out watching you. The key to staying off the list is to keep these little guys away from you. First thing you need to do is ward off your house. The easiest way to do this is to hang mistletoe around your home. Mistletoe is to them like the penny in the bag of water is to house flies. Why do you think stealing a kiss under the mistletoe is so popular? The minions can't go near it so its the best place to get your naughty on! Use it in abundance, hang it everywhere, especially the windows so they cant see in. Remember, mistletoe is your number one and best defense! It grows year round and almost everywhere. Now by the off chance that you cant get your hands on some mistletoe, some of the modern humane rodent traps work well too, provided you use the right bait. I have yet to find one of those little guys that didn't like chocolate and peppermint. The downside to this is that if you catch one, you've got to hold onto it until Christmas morning. When you let it go, it's gonna report back and BOOM! you're on the Naughty List. The last thing I suggest is that you get yourself a cat. Cats are by nature naughty creatures so they are naturally drawn to nice creatures. This ability makes them good at hunting down the minions. This and the fact that they are tiny, most cats will try and eat them. If they see you have a cat or two, they will most likely stay out. If they are brave enough to risk the cat and get themselves ate, oh well, its not your fault and you can't be held accountable for it. Now remember you start off with a clean slate on Christmas Day, if you didn't make it this year, you start fresh for the next year. This is also the time you want to let any of the little guys go that you might have caught during the year. Christmas morning, you've already got your presents, you let them go and its to late to report back and your slate get wiped clean and start back over on the 26th. you can't lose! Now if some how you've be super bad and the big man finds out, he'll deploy the mother of big bads. If you've done wrong and you just don't care, well you best pray for a Christmas miracle. Santa will sick the Krampus on you. Never heard of Krampus have you? Well that's because he's reserved for the worst of the worst. This guy is a first class monster of the child eating variety. If you haven't gotten yourself together by December 5th, this guy is gonna come for you. December 5th is Krampus Night and if he comes for you , you just got to make it to sunrise of December 6th, the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That's when he gets called back. Now first off, he looks like a big hairy shaggy devil with two large horns coming out of his forehead. He's got one regular foot and one hooved foot, that's his weakness. Krampus is one tough customer, but if you can catch him, he'll leave you be. Being permanently of the Naughty List, we've had to tussle with him a time or two. First off, everything you think you can do to him, you cant, he's damn near indestructible. The only way to stop him is to catch him. Spring loaded steel bear traps are the best, if you can get your hands on them. Now to catch him, you've got to catch the hooved foot. If you can't manage this, there is one other way, you've got to plead for your life. If you grovel and plead good enough, Krampus won't eat you, but you've got to be truly sorry or it won't work. If he buys it and doesn't eat you this doesn't mean you're gonna escape punishment. No he's not going to eat you, he's gonna dump you in a sack and beat the ever living hell out you with a bundle of switches. While this probably sucks, its decidedly better than being eaten alive. Of course you could call in some professionals like ourselves to handle it. Either way Krampus is bad news, so try to stay out of his sights! So there you have folks, Good luck, Merry Christmas, and Happy Hunting!! 

Vampires suck and sometimes they don't.

A.C. Fenton here, howdy to one and all. I know its been awhile since I updated here and I'm truly sorry for that. The reason for our absence is that Jr. and I had been judiciously detained in Georgia. Y'all remember me telling you about the job just north of Florida, the vampires? Well we hit a bit of a snag with it. Daddy, god rest his soul, he always did say that the first rule about trapping the undead is to make sure they was indeed dead. Jr. and I got a call from a little old widow lady telling us she had herself a nest of vampires living across the street from her. Me and Jr. was close, so we drove up and decided to stake out the place for a few days( I said stake, heh, heh!) Anyhoo, after a couple of days of watching the comings and goings of said vampires we had determined that we were indeed dealing with genuine nosferatu! There was at least five of them. They only come out at night, they was real pale looking and dressed in all black. Never once did we see any of them bring home a sack of groceries, real people eat food! The deal maker was when the pizza delivery guy showed up on night two. He pulled up outside on the curb, the house wasn't real big, single story, maybe two bedrooms, every window was black out. Anyway, he walked up to the door with his stack of pizza and they welcomed him insides and he never came back out! Right before dawn one of the might be vampires came out and drove off with the car. We was sold, yep, vampires. Jr. and I decided as soon as the sun was good and up, we was gonna take care it. We decided that the best way to handle this situation was with some good 'ol fashion "Bagging and Dragging"! You see, vampires are at their most vulnerable during the daylight hours even when they're in the dark they're still affected by it. It's like keeping the lobsters in the cold at that restaurant, because it keeps them slow. I went in through the front door, It smelled like an air freshener factory, probably to mask the smell of all the people they done killed. I was still quiet about it, no sense raising the alarm. Even though they're slow, they're still mighty dangerous. I found the first bitter sleeping on the couch, so I decided to bag him first. I threw the sack made from tiny silver rings over his head and tied it off. You see, silver isn't just for werewolves, it burns vamps pretty bad when you touch 'em with it. Anyway, I tied it off and signaled Jr. who was waiting outside at the winch on the front of the truck. This is where the dragging comes in, Jr. flipped the switch and abruptly snatched the thing off the couch and out the front door. I ran out after it to watch, the whole bursting into flames and exploding is my favorite part, but that's not exactly what happened here. What did happen is that the screaming from the guy in the sack drew the attention of the other four housemates and they came running to see what was going on, one of them was the pizza guy who was very much alive. Nobody was on fire, that's when we realized our mistake. These weren't vampires, they was just a bunch of goth kids and we had just broke into their house and assaulted one of them. As quick as you could say barbequed chupercabra, the police were there. Well we was arrested and went before the Judge. He decided that it was just an honest mistake that anyone could have made considering the way they was dressed. So we ended up with 600 hours of community service, which was just us critter gettin for the county for free. Anyway we're back home and now we're revising our vampire identification check list.

 

 

 

HUNTING TIPS FOR THE DAY!!

 

 

 

Have you ever found yourself with an other worldly house guest? I'm talking ghost, poltergeists, phantoms and the sort. Most ghost are peaceful enough, maybe alittle annoying with they're opening cupboards and making noise when you're trying to sleep, but harmless. On the other hand, some can be down right nasty. Do not fear! Spooks and specters are easily dealt with. All you're going to need is a good mirror and some patience. Any mirror will do, it doesn't matter if its one of those old glass ones, buffed metal ones or the tiny one in your lipstick case(we know some men read this, we don't judge). You can easily trap a ghost in a mirror if you can get it to look at itself in the mirror. That's the hard part, you see, they don't like looking at themselves. Ghosts don't like to admit that they're dead and seeing their reflection reminds them of it. You've got to lure one to a mirror and position yourself between it and the mirror. When it looks at you, simply quickly move out of the way, the ghost will get pulled into the mirror and stuck. Now once you've got yourself a haunted mirror, whatever you do, don't break it! That's the only way for it to get out and it's gonna be pissed! You know that old story about seven years of back luck if you break a mirror, well that's where it comes from. You break out a ghost who's trapped and he ain't gonna care who put him in it, he's gonna be an incredible pain in the ass for whoever let him out! Do you have yourself one of those antique mirrors that's been handed down for generations? Probably came from the old country? Yeah, it's probably got a spook or two stuck in it. Old mirrors like that always do, and they're usually pretty incensed after all that time. I'd keep that mirror pretty safe if I were you.

 

Well until next time folks, Happy Huntin!!



Hello From the Road

Greetings and salutations one and all, AC here posting live from the road. Me and Jr. done went and got us one of those fancy laptop computers. We figured it'd be a good investment, what with all these new social media sites and such. Hopefully one day we'll get us a web page set up so you folks will be able to send us pictures of what ever critter happens to be ailing you and we can be better prepared for our job. That brings us back around to this here post and why we're on the road. I'm sittin here typing from sunny Florida in one of Tom Bodett's finest establishments. This place is pretty cozy and the light was really left on! I don't really think it was left on for us specifically, but it was on none the less. Anyhoo, today we are in , well hell, I don't rightly know where exactly on account of Jr. done broke the GPS and we didn't think of getting one of those fold out maps. Like I said, we're on are way home from Florida. We had us an orange groove that done come under attack from a swarm of bats, we also got us some towing business on the way down. I'm here to tell you, if you ever break down anywhere in the south and you can't get ahold of nobody on your cell phone, don't worry! There will be someone along in about thirty minutes or so with a big truck and a chain for towing, I promise you. Don't worry about helping them, they live for that sort of thing. It was a good thing about the couple of tows we got, cause the job didn't turn out so well as we didn't get paid. I'm gonna blame this one on Jr. I mean to say that after the fire was out, the bats were gone, so job done! That's a win in my book. You see the trick to getting rid of bats is to smoke them out. If they're in your roof, you smoke 'em good and plug up all the holes so they can't get back in. Problem here was that these was trees, smoke 'em out of one and they'd just fly to another one. So Jr. got the brilliant idea to build some small fires in and around the grove, you know, smoke the whole thing at once. I figure its always raining here in the "Sunshine State"and the ground might be a bit too wet for a fire. Jr. said we should pour some gas on the wood, another good idea, so we gathered up enough wood to build about forty small camp size fires. We laid them out and soaked them up good and let them sit for a bit. I'd say a couple of gallons of diesel for each pile and we waited about thirty minutes. I walked to the far end of the grove and sent Jr. up to start the front. Once we were both in position we counted to three and started to light them up. Well I'm guessing we probably shouldn't have used so much gas. You see, the gas vapors had built up in the grove so thick that when we lit the first fires it caused a chain reaction to go off. With a woof so loud that it sounded like it came out of a 1500 pound blue tick hound, the entire grove exploded into one giant ball of flame. It picked me up like a rag doll and threw me about twenty feet back, damn thing set my Dale hat on fire. I've had that had since I was ten. Jr. was a little worse off then me. Jr. ain't on little fella, so that explosion didn't send him no where. He did however lose both of his eyebrows and his left sideburn. I've been calling his right one his lucky sideburn ever since. Well within just a few seconds all of the orange trees were on fire. Front to back, side to side, and from top to bottom. We tried to call the fire department but we were out of cell phone range. So the only thing we could do was just sit there and watch. It truly was a beautiful sight, the orange and red against the night sky. That's when the projectiles started. Flaming, screeching fireballs came shooting out of the trees in every direction! If all the trees weren't already on fire it weren't long before the rest of them were. Hundreds of fruit bats, full ablaze started spreading the fire everywhere. Jr. got out the 12 gauge and was able to keep them contained to the grove. Like I said earlier, the fire was out and the bats were gone, unfortunately so were the orange trees. I tried to argue that the job was indeed done, but the owner still refused to pay us. All was not lost, as the local paper did a piece on us and that led us to another job. Just across the border up into Georgia, apparently there's a small county having themselves a bit of a vampire problem so were gonna hit there next before heading back home. Until next time folks, Happy Huntin!

HUNTING TIPS FOR TODAY!!

 

 

Vampires are a vicious nasty bunch of critters. Now I don't know if they're hellspawned, undead or what. I just know they are unnatural and need killin. Just one of these things can take out a whole town all by itself, so don't go takin one on unless you're sure you can take it! I'm gonna give you some pointers that might help you out.

 

 

1. Make sure its a real vampire! Here in the south people tend to get a little suspicious and gossipy about each other. So before you go out to stake yourself a biter, make damn sure he's not some third shift worker who just happens to like dressing in black.        

 

2. Make sure you've done your homework! Now most of the stuff you've seen on TV, in the movies and read in books is complete garbage! Holy water, crucifixes, and most of your religious stuff just don't work on them. Of course that leads me to believe that there isn't anything hell or demon related about them. Garlic don't work either, the only thing throwing garlic on them is going to do is piss them off and make them smell like Italian food. Pretty much only four things are going to work, Sunlight, Fire, Stake through the heart, and Cutting off the head! The stake, be heading and fire are pretty much a given, I mean, who wouldn't that kill? Now the sunlight is your best tool, you've got 12 hours to use it.

 

3. Make sure you don't inadvertently invite them in! For some strange reason the no invitation seems to be legit. I don't know what the supernatural cause behind it is or if maybe its just a polite thing to do. Regardless of how friendly someone might seem, if suspect vampires might be around, do not invite anyone into your house! It'll be your only safe place at night.

 

4. Make sure you've got our number! Seriously, if you think you've got a vampire, do not try to tackle the job yourself, I promise you it will not end well! You're liable just end up accidentally killing your neighbor. Call a professional and let them handle it. It's what we do!

 

 

 

                  

Killin and Chillin

Well hello again folks, AC here. Well business has been good for us lately. Mostly just your normal critters, they make up the bulk of our business. It's what puts food on the table both figuratively and literally. We do tend to get a lot of calls for what would be consider abnormal catches, but they just mostly turn out to be your run of the mill, brown paper bag type critters like rats, opossums and raccoons. They get bumpin and rollin round in the rafters at night and people get spooked out of their melons. Now sometimes it can be a might difficult to tell the difference between the critters stated above and the elusive Coopachabras. They make the same sounds, kill other critters in the same fashion and even look like 'em a bit in the dark. Now with the internet and cable TV everywhere, everybody thinks they got themselves some sort of Boogey Man living in their crawl space. Me and Jr. get calls everyday for the craziest of things, I shot a bigfoot once, so I know crazy, and we got to weed out the kooks constantly. We got a call yesterday from a guy up north, said his name was Scotty. Said he had a monster living under his bed, so I had to ask him a few questions, you know to get a feel for him. I asked is it there now? He said it wasn't, it apparently lived under his bed when he was a little. Says it tracked him down and broke into his house last month. I asked what'd do? Said it watched him for a bit and them it used his computer. Said it was sorry for treating him bad when he was a kid and left him a picture. I says, it told you that? he said no, it typed it up on the computer. I says but you got a picture of it right? He says he did, it was a picture he'd drew of it when he was four. So I asked, what we have is an email and a crayon drawing that about right? He said yep, so I took is number and told him we'd have to do some research and I'd get back to soon enough. Ever since we put that ad on Craigslist we get a dozen or so fruit loops like that a week.

HUNTIN TIPS FOR THE DAY!!

 

 

The most common thing you're likely to run across is your common Mexican Devil Dog or the Coopachabras as they are most commonly referred. Now I'm here to tell you, don't take these things lightly. They are as fast as they are ugly. They are just as nasty in a wide open space as they are cornered and close up. Your best bet is using a baited trap. They call them things goat suckers, but I find the best thing to use is marshmallows. The little buggers love 'em. Put a few in one of those spring loaded traps from the Home Depot and they'll practically kill each other just fighting to get at 'em. If you find yourself up close with one make sure you have something sharp. Something like a shovel or a hatchet is good, but I'm here to tell you that a good ol' fashion frog gigging stick works just as good.Really, if you're gonna go poking around in a dark attic or under your house fashion yourself a gigging stick. Just find a good solid, long stick and sharpen one end. Try to fix a strap to the other end to put around your wrist so you ain't gonna loose your grip on it.  My good buddy Beaman says a quick ridge hand to the side of the neck will do it in nicely, on account they got small necks. Really, I can't even describe how jacked up these things are, they look like a giant burnt hairless squirrel. I got a picture round here somewhere I 'll put it on here. Anyway, until next time. Happy Huntin!!

 

 



 

 



 

COOPERCHABRA!!



Welcome Y'all!!

Welcome y'all one and all to me and my brothers blog. We are the Fenton Brothers, my name is Aberdeen Cooper Fenton but folks mostly call me AC. Well 'cept my momma, when's she's got her dander up. My business partner is my baby brother Wardell Neely Fenton Jr, named after our daddy, god rest his soul. We are the proud owners of The Fenton Brothers All Natural, Transcendental and Otherwise Mythical Extermination and Towing (on account that Jr. already had the truck). We hail from the great state of South Carolina. We've been in the trappin and exterminatin business pretty much since we could crawl. Our daddy was a trapper and a hunter and as soon as we could stand on our own two feet, we started coming along with him on calls. My first actual trappin was when I was five years old and Jr. was three.  We got a call from a lady in Waterloo who had a opossum under her trailer and needed it out cause it was killin her chickens and making an awful racket at night. Well the space under the trailer was way to small for daddy, so he sent me and Jr. under there to get it. Well we crawled up underneath there, dragging our traps through the mud. We found a few dead chickens and a couple of cats. After digging around for the nest and we found the opossum, he pretty much went the way of those cats and chickens. Well we dragged all the mess out to show daddy all pleased with our hard work. Daddy said we needed to get back under there and get what ever it was what did them critter in. So me and Jr. crawled back up under there and we scooched back up towards the nest. We hadn't been in there for more than a minute when we heard this hissing and chirpy noises, then Jr. let out to wail so loud it like to turn my hair on end! I turned and this small black thing done jumped up on Jr.'s back and was trying to bite the back of his head. Jr. was just screaming for me to get it off him. Jr. was finally able to roll it off him and I wacked it in the head with my hatchet. It was still twitchen a might, that's when we noticed the other two. I guess Jr. wanted some payback, cause he jump on the closest one and started biting on it! I was able to corner the last one and gig it with a stick. All three of them were about the size of a baby pig, they sure were ugly. They looked like they might have got around on all fours 'cept that their front two feet looked more like claws and they had these short bristly hairs on 'em. Well we dragged them out to show to daddy and he seemed satisfied with it. Said they was them Coopachabras, you know them Mexican devil dog things you see on the History Channel shows about aliens and stuff. We got paid pretty good for it and we got to take them and the opossum home with us. I'm here to tell you, them Coopachabras are good eatin! Skin 'em and throw 'em in the smoke house for a while, put some hot sauce on it. Make you smack your momma its so good. Anyway, that's how we got into the family business. Daddy taught us everything he knew about trappin the unknown and when he passed on, well Me and Jr. just took over. We travel all over the United States trapping, killing and towing. We will go in and remove any problem you've got, anything from ants to swamp apes. If we can't catch it, it don't exist! From time to time me and Jr. are gonna post our exploits (that means our jobs, Jr. looked it up on the Google.) here online for you to enjoy and to help you out if you so wish to tackle a problem you might be havin yourself.

So, here's your huntin tip for today. If you should find yourself with a fairy infestation, yes I'm talking about tiny bugged winged people, the best thing to use is one of them electric hand held bug zappers. They look like a tiny tennis racket and it'll run you about $10 at your local big box store. I know what you're thinkin, and no they ain't all cute and cuddley like Disney would have to believe. They're tiny, they swarm and they bite. If they get in your garden, get them out as quick as you can, cause more will keep coming and before long you're over ran. If you can get your hands on a zapper, fly tape works to!