Greetings and salutations one and all, AC here posting live from the road. Me and Jr. done went and got us one of those fancy laptop computers. We figured it'd be a good investment, what with all these new social media sites and such. Hopefully one day we'll get us a web page set up so you folks will be able to send us pictures of what ever critter happens to be ailing you and we can be better prepared for our job. That brings us back around to this here post and why we're on the road. I'm sittin here typing from sunny Florida in one of Tom Bodett's finest establishments. This place is pretty cozy and the light was really left on! I don't really think it was left on for us specifically, but it was on none the less. Anyhoo, today we are in , well hell, I don't rightly know where exactly on account of Jr. done broke the GPS and we didn't think of getting one of those fold out maps. Like I said, we're on are way home from Florida. We had us an orange groove that done come under attack from a swarm of bats, we also got us some towing business on the way down. I'm here to tell you, if you ever break down anywhere in the south and you can't get ahold of nobody on your cell phone, don't worry! There will be someone along in about thirty minutes or so with a big truck and a chain for towing, I promise you. Don't worry about helping them, they live for that sort of thing. It was a good thing about the couple of tows we got, cause the job didn't turn out so well as we didn't get paid. I'm gonna blame this one on Jr. I mean to say that after the fire was out, the bats were gone, so job done! That's a win in my book. You see the trick to getting rid of bats is to smoke them out. If they're in your roof, you smoke 'em good and plug up all the holes so they can't get back in. Problem here was that these was trees, smoke 'em out of one and they'd just fly to another one. So Jr. got the brilliant idea to build some small fires in and around the grove, you know, smoke the whole thing at once. I figure its always raining here in the "Sunshine State"and the ground might be a bit too wet for a fire. Jr. said we should pour some gas on the wood, another good idea, so we gathered up enough wood to build about forty small camp size fires. We laid them out and soaked them up good and let them sit for a bit. I'd say a couple of gallons of diesel for each pile and we waited about thirty minutes. I walked to the far end of the grove and sent Jr. up to start the front. Once we were both in position we counted to three and started to light them up. Well I'm guessing we probably shouldn't have used so much gas. You see, the gas vapors had built up in the grove so thick that when we lit the first fires it caused a chain reaction to go off. With a woof so loud that it sounded like it came out of a 1500 pound blue tick hound, the entire grove exploded into one giant ball of flame. It picked me up like a rag doll and threw me about twenty feet back, damn thing set my Dale hat on fire. I've had that had since I was ten. Jr. was a little worse off then me. Jr. ain't on little fella, so that explosion didn't send him no where. He did however lose both of his eyebrows and his left sideburn. I've been calling his right one his lucky sideburn ever since. Well within just a few seconds all of the orange trees were on fire. Front to back, side to side, and from top to bottom. We tried to call the fire department but we were out of cell phone range. So the only thing we could do was just sit there and watch. It truly was a beautiful sight, the orange and red against the night sky. That's when the projectiles started. Flaming, screeching fireballs came shooting out of the trees in every direction! If all the trees weren't already on fire it weren't long before the rest of them were. Hundreds of fruit bats, full ablaze started spreading the fire everywhere. Jr. got out the 12 gauge and was able to keep them contained to the grove. Like I said earlier, the fire was out and the bats were gone, unfortunately so were the orange trees. I tried to argue that the job was indeed done, but the owner still refused to pay us. All was not lost, as the local paper did a piece on us and that led us to another job. Just across the border up into Georgia, apparently there's a small county having themselves a bit of a vampire problem so were gonna hit there next before heading back home. Until next time folks, Happy Huntin!
HUNTING TIPS FOR TODAY!!
Vampires are a vicious nasty bunch of critters. Now I don't know if they're hellspawned, undead or what. I just know they are unnatural and need killin. Just one of these things can take out a whole town all by itself, so don't go takin one on unless you're sure you can take it! I'm gonna give you some pointers that might help you out.
1. Make sure its a real vampire! Here in the south people tend to get a little suspicious and gossipy about each other. So before you go out to stake yourself a biter, make damn sure he's not some third shift worker who just happens to like dressing in black.
2. Make sure you've done your homework! Now most of the stuff you've seen on TV, in the movies and read in books is complete garbage! Holy water, crucifixes, and most of your religious stuff just don't work on them. Of course that leads me to believe that there isn't anything hell or demon related about them. Garlic don't work either, the only thing throwing garlic on them is going to do is piss them off and make them smell like Italian food. Pretty much only four things are going to work, Sunlight, Fire, Stake through the heart, and Cutting off the head! The stake, be heading and fire are pretty much a given, I mean, who wouldn't that kill? Now the sunlight is your best tool, you've got 12 hours to use it.
3. Make sure you don't inadvertently invite them in! For some strange reason the no invitation seems to be legit. I don't know what the supernatural cause behind it is or if maybe its just a polite thing to do. Regardless of how friendly someone might seem, if suspect vampires might be around, do not invite anyone into your house! It'll be your only safe place at night.
4. Make sure you've got our number! Seriously, if you think you've got a vampire, do not try to tackle the job yourself, I promise you it will not end well! You're liable just end up accidentally killing your neighbor. Call a professional and let them handle it. It's what we do!
