A.C. Fenton here, howdy to one and all. I know its been awhile since I updated here and I'm truly sorry for that. The reason for our absence is that Jr. and I had been judiciously detained in Georgia. Y'all remember me telling you about the job just north of Florida, the vampires? Well we hit a bit of a snag with it. Daddy, god rest his soul, he always did say that the first rule about trapping the undead is to make sure they was indeed dead. Jr. and I got a call from a little old widow lady telling us she had herself a nest of vampires living across the street from her. Me and Jr. was close, so we drove up and decided to stake out the place for a few days( I said stake, heh, heh!) Anyhoo, after a couple of days of watching the comings and goings of said vampires we had determined that we were indeed dealing with genuine nosferatu! There was at least five of them. They only come out at night, they was real pale looking and dressed in all black. Never once did we see any of them bring home a sack of groceries, real people eat food! The deal maker was when the pizza delivery guy showed up on night two. He pulled up outside on the curb, the house wasn't real big, single story, maybe two bedrooms, every window was black out. Anyway, he walked up to the door with his stack of pizza and they welcomed him insides and he never came back out! Right before dawn one of the might be vampires came out and drove off with the car. We was sold, yep, vampires. Jr. and I decided as soon as the sun was good and up, we was gonna take care it. We decided that the best way to handle this situation was with some good 'ol fashion "Bagging and Dragging"! You see, vampires are at their most vulnerable during the daylight hours even when they're in the dark they're still affected by it. It's like keeping the lobsters in the cold at that restaurant, because it keeps them slow. I went in through the front door, It smelled like an air freshener factory, probably to mask the smell of all the people they done killed. I was still quiet about it, no sense raising the alarm. Even though they're slow, they're still mighty dangerous. I found the first bitter sleeping on the couch, so I decided to bag him first. I threw the sack made from tiny silver rings over his head and tied it off. You see, silver isn't just for werewolves, it burns vamps pretty bad when you touch 'em with it. Anyway, I tied it off and signaled Jr. who was waiting outside at the winch on the front of the truck. This is where the dragging comes in, Jr. flipped the switch and abruptly snatched the thing off the couch and out the front door. I ran out after it to watch, the whole bursting into flames and exploding is my favorite part, but that's not exactly what happened here. What did happen is that the screaming from the guy in the sack drew the attention of the other four housemates and they came running to see what was going on, one of them was the pizza guy who was very much alive. Nobody was on fire, that's when we realized our mistake. These weren't vampires, they was just a bunch of goth kids and we had just broke into their house and assaulted one of them. As quick as you could say barbequed chupercabra, the police were there. Well we was arrested and went before the Judge. He decided that it was just an honest mistake that anyone could have made considering the way they was dressed. So we ended up with 600 hours of community service, which was just us critter gettin for the county for free. Anyway we're back home and now we're revising our vampire identification check list.
HUNTING TIPS FOR THE DAY!!
Have you ever found yourself with an other worldly house guest? I'm talking ghost, poltergeists, phantoms and the sort. Most ghost are peaceful enough, maybe alittle annoying with they're opening cupboards and making noise when you're trying to sleep, but harmless. On the other hand, some can be down right nasty. Do not fear! Spooks and specters are easily dealt with. All you're going to need is a good mirror and some patience. Any mirror will do, it doesn't matter if its one of those old glass ones, buffed metal ones or the tiny one in your lipstick case(we know some men read this, we don't judge). You can easily trap a ghost in a mirror if you can get it to look at itself in the mirror. That's the hard part, you see, they don't like looking at themselves. Ghosts don't like to admit that they're dead and seeing their reflection reminds them of it. You've got to lure one to a mirror and position yourself between it and the mirror. When it looks at you, simply quickly move out of the way, the ghost will get pulled into the mirror and stuck. Now once you've got yourself a haunted mirror, whatever you do, don't break it! That's the only way for it to get out and it's gonna be pissed! You know that old story about seven years of back luck if you break a mirror, well that's where it comes from. You break out a ghost who's trapped and he ain't gonna care who put him in it, he's gonna be an incredible pain in the ass for whoever let him out! Do you have yourself one of those antique mirrors that's been handed down for generations? Probably came from the old country? Yeah, it's probably got a spook or two stuck in it. Old mirrors like that always do, and they're usually pretty incensed after all that time. I'd keep that mirror pretty safe if I were you.
Well until next time folks, Happy Huntin!!
