Ghosts of Christmas Past

Howdy y'all, AC here. With it being the holidays and all and us just finishing up our community service in Georgia. We really haven't done much of anything lately, so I figured I regale you fine folks with the tale of how Jr. and myself ended up on Santa's Naughty List for all time. It was Christmas morning many years ago, I was probably about nine with Jr. a couple of years behind me. We had both gotten new rifles and were itching to try them out, but we didn't want to truck all the way out to the deer stand. We decided the next best place would be on the roof. Now here in South Carolina we usually don't get any kind of snow until well into January, but it had it had been super cold out and we got a light dusting with some freezing rain during the night. Jr. went up first, trying to be careful as he went. While I was handing him up his gun he abruptly dropped it on my head. He started making an awful ruckus, jumping up and down, screaming for me to hurry up and get up there. I started to pick up his rifle when he yelled for me to leave it, that I wasn't going to believe what was up there. Well I shook off the fog of getting wacked in the noggin and scurried on up. Jr. was up there just pointing down at the roof, point at what was left in the snow. Jr. screamed at me, "You know what those are don't cha!". Well I sure know what they looked like, they looked like deer tracks all over our roof. With little effort we found some sleigh tracks as well. At first I didn't believe it, but since our daddy made his living out of trapping the strange and unbelievable, why not this too? That's when Jr. had the best idea that any youngin has ever had on Christmas morning. He decided that next year, we were going to catch us our very own flying reindeer! The though of having your own flying reindeer, that was just to good to pass up. We spent almost the whole of the next year ironing out our plans and what we'd do if we actually caught one. We figured we could breed it with a regular deer, some of the offspring were bound to be able to fly right? Then we'd have our very own deer team! Anyway we had to keep everything on the hush hush. If word got back to Santa what we were up to, he'd never show up, no Santa, no reindeer. All that year we had been extra good and let me tell you how hard that was for me. We did good in school, got our grades up. We helped momma out around the house. We took on extra chores and helped our neighbors. I thought we might be laying it on a bit thick, but Jr. insisted , said we couldn't take any chances. We had to entry proof our bedroom so we can speak freely in there. Santa has all sorts of spies you know. Now days kids have that creepy guy on the shelf and its pretty close to what "Santa's little helpers" are like. Every night we went over the plan in detail. When Christmas Eve finally came round, we was ready. We helped momma clean up supper and we got ourselves to bed, of course we didn't go to sleep, we waited. As soon as we heard the sound of sleeping coming my momma and daddy's room, we was up and putting our plan in motion. First we went down stairs to where we had laid out the milk and cookies for Santa. I took a bottle of pills from my pocket, I had nicked them from old man Baily's house. I took them a couple of weeks before when we was helping him with some house work. They were for helping him sleep. I dropped a small handful into the milk. If we knocked Santa out, it would make our job that much easier. Next up was the roof, it was cold and clear outside. We climbed up on the roof and sprayed doe scent all around. It's basically just doe pee, but it was sure to get those reindeers attention. We also spread some deer feed around the roof too. I had crushed up the rest of the old man Baily's pills and put it in the feed. Now we just had to wait. Santa would drink the milk and fall asleep and then the deer would eat the feed and fall asleep, and then we'd just go and cut one loose and drag it to the barn, perfect, well almost. Jr. and I were back in our beds and it was well after midnight when we heard the it. First it was a slight sound of jingle bells, then we heard them trot across the roof. We knew it wouldn't be long, so we snuck out of the room to where we could see down stairs to the living room. There he was, he was just finishing off the last cookie then he downed the milk. He went over to the tree and started rummaging through his sack. He started to sway a bit and all of a sudden the thudding started. One right after another, solid, muffled whumps coming from the ceiling, it stopped at eight. Santa looked up at the sound, then took a header into the tree, he went down hard. The light clicked on in the hallway and there was daddy with his 12 gauge, demanding to know what in the hell was going on. We just pointed down the stairs. We went down with momma and daddy, he didn't believe for a second we had bagged Santa Claus. We were in the middle of telling him about the deer on the roof when another thud shook the side of the house. We ran to the window in just enough time to see eight of the biggest deer I have ever seen, strapped to a tiny sleigh, come crashing down in our front yard in a jolly mess. I guess a couple of the deer must have slid off the roof after they passed out, must have dragged the rest of them down too. We went outside and sure enough, right there in the front yard was a big pile of deer, toys and sleigh. Daddy started cursing up a storm, demanding to know what in the hell was going on. So I decided to fill him in on just exactly we had done. Jr. took this as his opportunity to unharness one and start dragging it off. I finished filling in the details for daddy and he gave me a looked of mixed emotions. On one hand his boys just did their very own first trapping, on the other hand we had trapped one of the biggest of the bigs and there are some of those things you just don't go after. Apparently Santa was at the top of that list. Me and Daddy set to assessing the damage. Thankfully all the deer were alive and nothing appeared to be wrong with them except they was sleeping hard. The sleigh had a broken runner, but it was easily fixed. You see, daddy dabbled in wood working on the side and he had it up and running in about an hour. In the meantime momma and me sat the big man up on the couch. Momma made her special red eye coffee, the stuff she would make for daddy when he had an all night trap. That stuff was guaranteed to keep you awake for days! We managed to get a cup of it into Santa and he started to come around. The deer had woken up as well, I guess we hadn't used enough of the medicine in the feed mix. Daddy made me go and finish harnessing up the reindeer and picking up the presents that had spilled out during the fall. He, momma and Santa stayed in the house and talked while Santa finished the pot of coffee. They came out on the front porch and I knew we were about to get it. Santa called me to him and asked where my brother was. Well about that time a loud bleeting noise came from the barn, followed by screaming and banging. Just when we thought the barn was going to fall in the doors burst open! Out flew a reindeer, it was bucking and rolling all over the place. Then we saw the reason why clinging to its back with a look of pure joy on his face. After about a minute, the deer looped and barrel rolled into a tree, then flew straight up. Fighter pilots could have taken tips from that thing, man could he fly! Anyway, as soon as he skirted the tree, the branches smacked Jr. right off his back. Jr. fell from about fifteen feet up, thankfully all those branches broke his fall on the way down. Santa walked over to the rest of the deer and whistled. The one that had just dumped Jr. landed and fell in line with the rest of them. Santa quickly hooked him up and assesst the rest.  Santa climbed into his sleigh, gave an angry glance down and Jr. and took off. It sure was a sight to see, watching them fly away. Well long story short, we got the belt, but not to bad. We was grounded to the following Christmas. According to daddy, Santa said not once in his entire life had anyone tried anything like that and with that we were going to be placed on the Naughty List for life. Santa also said he would be keeping an eye on us as well. So here we are, full grown and we're still on the list. I pretty sure we're the only adults on the list.

Hunting Tips For The Day

Have you ever worried about getting on Santa's Naughty List? Ever wondered how he knows when you've been bad? When you're sleeping and awake? That one I find a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie. Anyway, how he manages keeping up with all this is that he had minions. Now I'm not talking about the toy builders, those guys hardly ever leave the toy shop. I'm talking about his little messengers. They have many different names depending on where you're from. Elves, Yule Lads, Belsnickles, they're all the same and they're all out watching you. The key to staying off the list is to keep these little guys away from you. First thing you need to do is ward off your house. The easiest way to do this is to hang mistletoe around your home. Mistletoe is to them like the penny in the bag of water is to house flies. Why do you think stealing a kiss under the mistletoe is so popular? The minions can't go near it so its the best place to get your naughty on! Use it in abundance, hang it everywhere, especially the windows so they cant see in. Remember, mistletoe is your number one and best defense! It grows year round and almost everywhere. Now by the off chance that you cant get your hands on some mistletoe, some of the modern humane rodent traps work well too, provided you use the right bait. I have yet to find one of those little guys that didn't like chocolate and peppermint. The downside to this is that if you catch one, you've got to hold onto it until Christmas morning. When you let it go, it's gonna report back and BOOM! you're on the Naughty List. The last thing I suggest is that you get yourself a cat. Cats are by nature naughty creatures so they are naturally drawn to nice creatures. This ability makes them good at hunting down the minions. This and the fact that they are tiny, most cats will try and eat them. If they see you have a cat or two, they will most likely stay out. If they are brave enough to risk the cat and get themselves ate, oh well, its not your fault and you can't be held accountable for it. Now remember you start off with a clean slate on Christmas Day, if you didn't make it this year, you start fresh for the next year. This is also the time you want to let any of the little guys go that you might have caught during the year. Christmas morning, you've already got your presents, you let them go and its to late to report back and your slate get wiped clean and start back over on the 26th. you can't lose! Now if some how you've be super bad and the big man finds out, he'll deploy the mother of big bads. If you've done wrong and you just don't care, well you best pray for a Christmas miracle. Santa will sick the Krampus on you. Never heard of Krampus have you? Well that's because he's reserved for the worst of the worst. This guy is a first class monster of the child eating variety. If you haven't gotten yourself together by December 5th, this guy is gonna come for you. December 5th is Krampus Night and if he comes for you , you just got to make it to sunrise of December 6th, the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That's when he gets called back. Now first off, he looks like a big hairy shaggy devil with two large horns coming out of his forehead. He's got one regular foot and one hooved foot, that's his weakness. Krampus is one tough customer, but if you can catch him, he'll leave you be. Being permanently of the Naughty List, we've had to tussle with him a time or two. First off, everything you think you can do to him, you cant, he's damn near indestructible. The only way to stop him is to catch him. Spring loaded steel bear traps are the best, if you can get your hands on them. Now to catch him, you've got to catch the hooved foot. If you can't manage this, there is one other way, you've got to plead for your life. If you grovel and plead good enough, Krampus won't eat you, but you've got to be truly sorry or it won't work. If he buys it and doesn't eat you this doesn't mean you're gonna escape punishment. No he's not going to eat you, he's gonna dump you in a sack and beat the ever living hell out you with a bundle of switches. While this probably sucks, its decidedly better than being eaten alive. Of course you could call in some professionals like ourselves to handle it. Either way Krampus is bad news, so try to stay out of his sights! So there you have folks, Good luck, Merry Christmas, and Happy Hunting!! 

Vampires suck and sometimes they don't.

A.C. Fenton here, howdy to one and all. I know its been awhile since I updated here and I'm truly sorry for that. The reason for our absence is that Jr. and I had been judiciously detained in Georgia. Y'all remember me telling you about the job just north of Florida, the vampires? Well we hit a bit of a snag with it. Daddy, god rest his soul, he always did say that the first rule about trapping the undead is to make sure they was indeed dead. Jr. and I got a call from a little old widow lady telling us she had herself a nest of vampires living across the street from her. Me and Jr. was close, so we drove up and decided to stake out the place for a few days( I said stake, heh, heh!) Anyhoo, after a couple of days of watching the comings and goings of said vampires we had determined that we were indeed dealing with genuine nosferatu! There was at least five of them. They only come out at night, they was real pale looking and dressed in all black. Never once did we see any of them bring home a sack of groceries, real people eat food! The deal maker was when the pizza delivery guy showed up on night two. He pulled up outside on the curb, the house wasn't real big, single story, maybe two bedrooms, every window was black out. Anyway, he walked up to the door with his stack of pizza and they welcomed him insides and he never came back out! Right before dawn one of the might be vampires came out and drove off with the car. We was sold, yep, vampires. Jr. and I decided as soon as the sun was good and up, we was gonna take care it. We decided that the best way to handle this situation was with some good 'ol fashion "Bagging and Dragging"! You see, vampires are at their most vulnerable during the daylight hours even when they're in the dark they're still affected by it. It's like keeping the lobsters in the cold at that restaurant, because it keeps them slow. I went in through the front door, It smelled like an air freshener factory, probably to mask the smell of all the people they done killed. I was still quiet about it, no sense raising the alarm. Even though they're slow, they're still mighty dangerous. I found the first bitter sleeping on the couch, so I decided to bag him first. I threw the sack made from tiny silver rings over his head and tied it off. You see, silver isn't just for werewolves, it burns vamps pretty bad when you touch 'em with it. Anyway, I tied it off and signaled Jr. who was waiting outside at the winch on the front of the truck. This is where the dragging comes in, Jr. flipped the switch and abruptly snatched the thing off the couch and out the front door. I ran out after it to watch, the whole bursting into flames and exploding is my favorite part, but that's not exactly what happened here. What did happen is that the screaming from the guy in the sack drew the attention of the other four housemates and they came running to see what was going on, one of them was the pizza guy who was very much alive. Nobody was on fire, that's when we realized our mistake. These weren't vampires, they was just a bunch of goth kids and we had just broke into their house and assaulted one of them. As quick as you could say barbequed chupercabra, the police were there. Well we was arrested and went before the Judge. He decided that it was just an honest mistake that anyone could have made considering the way they was dressed. So we ended up with 600 hours of community service, which was just us critter gettin for the county for free. Anyway we're back home and now we're revising our vampire identification check list.

 

 

 

HUNTING TIPS FOR THE DAY!!

 

 

 

Have you ever found yourself with an other worldly house guest? I'm talking ghost, poltergeists, phantoms and the sort. Most ghost are peaceful enough, maybe alittle annoying with they're opening cupboards and making noise when you're trying to sleep, but harmless. On the other hand, some can be down right nasty. Do not fear! Spooks and specters are easily dealt with. All you're going to need is a good mirror and some patience. Any mirror will do, it doesn't matter if its one of those old glass ones, buffed metal ones or the tiny one in your lipstick case(we know some men read this, we don't judge). You can easily trap a ghost in a mirror if you can get it to look at itself in the mirror. That's the hard part, you see, they don't like looking at themselves. Ghosts don't like to admit that they're dead and seeing their reflection reminds them of it. You've got to lure one to a mirror and position yourself between it and the mirror. When it looks at you, simply quickly move out of the way, the ghost will get pulled into the mirror and stuck. Now once you've got yourself a haunted mirror, whatever you do, don't break it! That's the only way for it to get out and it's gonna be pissed! You know that old story about seven years of back luck if you break a mirror, well that's where it comes from. You break out a ghost who's trapped and he ain't gonna care who put him in it, he's gonna be an incredible pain in the ass for whoever let him out! Do you have yourself one of those antique mirrors that's been handed down for generations? Probably came from the old country? Yeah, it's probably got a spook or two stuck in it. Old mirrors like that always do, and they're usually pretty incensed after all that time. I'd keep that mirror pretty safe if I were you.

 

Well until next time folks, Happy Huntin!!